Hello world! Hope you had a wonderful Christmas. Having survived the last week on Bucks Fizz and Ferrero Rocher, I’m not feeling too clever. But expanded waistline aside, I am at least sporting a lovely pair of Uggs – a gift from my long-suffering
husband. Originally he bought me a DVD player but I intercepted that delivery and reminded him that it was one step away from a Hoover. Very pleased with his (forced) alternative.
WANT TO look as though you’re buying a Womble costume in instalments? Simply get some Ugg boots. /via @VizTopTips
So where were we? Ah yes, we’d just finished June. If you’ve missed the first part of this review, you may want to start there first: Review of 2010 Part 1.
July
Sunshine, barbecues, beer, women wandering around town in floaty dresses – these things give guys the horn. And this probably explains why we had so many of them applying for jobs this month.
Them: ‘i’d like to get a job as a male escort’
Me: ‘are you prepared to have sex with men?’
Them: ‘no! yuck! i’m straight’
Me: ‘the only buyers in this industry are men….anyone who tells you otherwise will rip you off’
Them: ‘yeah, i’ve been ripped off twice already’
Me: *sigh*
I’m getting so tired of this speech I’m thinking of recording it as our voicemail, maybe even getting a few t-shirts printed. I do feel for guys that have been ripped off, but for the cons it must be like taking candy off babies. So no, it doesn’t matter how handsome you are, or how big your cock is, market forces dictate that we don’t employ men.
August
A total blowout this month. We hire two millionaire pads in Surrey, enlist the services of elite escort photographer Graham Moore and marvellous makeup artist Veronkia Damiani and shoot six girls over two days. Expensive, exhausting, stressful, but worth every minute. The photographs are exceptional and set the bar for the competition incredibly high. I was particularly pleased with Emma’s ‘madam’ shots, which suited the minx to a tee.
Charlotte, Emma & Jennifer
September
Oh fucking hell – horrible, just horrible – owing to one day in particular. I am sat in hospital receiving some bad news. I can feel the agency phones vibrating away silently in my bag as I try to take everything in. I leave in a teary daze, only to see 20 missed calls and text messages from a client telling me new recruit Emily has done a runner from the booking, taking over £3000 in cash with her. I call the client…he is livid, in tears, he is ringing the police.
Emily (a law graduate) is ignoring my calls. I send a text to tell her that she is going to be arrested. She texts back making a shocking allegation against the client. Horrified, I tell her to go to the police immediately. Lisa manages to reach Emily on the phone. The allegation is withdrawn, she panicked and was fibbing. After much toing and froing, and now thinking clearly, Emily visits a bank and pays back the money.
I have no idea what was going through her mind. She eventually said she didn’t like the way the client spoke to her, though she seemed to disappear from the booking at a very opportune moment. I guess this middle class girl with (presumably) a high level of intelligence thought she could get away with it. I really don’t know.
I’ve had worse days in my life, but this one in September ranks relatively highly. So I’d like to say a big fuck you to September. And an even bigger fuck you to Emily.
October
Autumn is here! I love this time of year. The dog and I enjoy long walks and leaf kicking immensely, and October rules for both. Amelia’s now infamous text, sent as she left an October booking and tweeted by moi, causes quite a stir among the regulars:
Very nice guy – took my dildo up him well too. Night x
Having spent some quality time getting tipsy with Amelia recently, I thought I would take the opportunity to say what a cracker she is. Slim, long legs (perfectly complimented by her thigh high boots), long blonde locks, a filthy mind and the most wicked sense of humour – she has never struggled with repeat bookings. So if you’re in the South East (Sussex, Surrey, Hants, Berkshire, Gatwick, Heathrow etc) definitely add her to your ‘to do’ list. You won’t regret it.
November
Snow? In November? Are you kidding me? Actually, I do love a bit of snow, though as you can imagine it causes havoc for the girls and their long distance driving. November saw Victoria stuck on the M25 for 9 hours in freezing conditions, Alisha trapped in Leicestershire (albeit briefly thanks to a lovely client) and other similar traffic nightmares.
November also sees the X Factor in full swing, and as any Agency twitter followers will know, I *heart* the X Factor. This year’s shock revelation was that one of the contestants, Chloe Mafia, worked as a £160 an hour call girl. A claim she strenuously denies and says has ruined her life. It also introduced us to the wonderful Wagner Carillho – probably Dudley’s only lion tamer. For readers who missed the show because they were too busy socialising of a Saturday evening, here’s why it’s so special:
December
So that brings us bang up to date. December sees a few of the girls get together for drinks to celebrate the birth of baby Jesus. The group includes gorgeous Gloucestershire brunette Claire, who I have yet to mention in this blog so am crowbarring in now.
December also means planning for 2011. First up is a new website, which I am supposed to be completing within the next few days, but which is woefully behind schedule thanks some pernicious procrastination. It also sees me pondering whether to hire a big house and invite all the girls and some selected clients for a night of fun and frolics (Twister, Cranium etc). Sound interesting to you? Then let me know next time we speak. As I say, it’s only an idea at the moment, but in my head it’s playing out to be one hell of a night.
Lastly, before I disappear, I would like to say a big thank you to the beautiful Elite girls for all their hard work and loyalty over the last year. And also to our clients, who continue to call, book and support us despite 2010’s tempestuous economy. Here’s to a fun, happy, healthy and prosperous 2011 for us all! And of course, here’s to my weight loss, so I can fit my fat arse back into my favourite jeans.
Mwah xx
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