Is it really Christmas already? Oh well, another year’s worth of wrinkles, not to mention one or two grey hairs. Given that it’s nearly the end of the year, I thought I would dedicate this blog post to a review of 2010, warts and all. Probably not an ideal turn of phrase given the business I’m in, but nonetheless, pour yourself a brandy and pull up a comfy chair as I reminisce.
January
Escorting is a job that attracts a fair few fruitcakes. These girls aren’t always easy to spot at the interview stage – it’s not until they start going out on bookings you realise there is a problem. I’m not suggesting they arrive at the hotel with a pair of pants on their head, pencils sticking out of their nostrils and shouting ‘wibble’. No, it’s more subtle than that.
As escorts we have to lie. We lie to our families, our friends, our customers, some of us even husbands. So lying really does go with the territory. However, when it starts to permeate every part of your being, when everything that leaves your mouth is bollocks, then you have a problem. I have come to realise that the escorting world attracts more attention seekers, pathological liars and drama queens than I ever thought possible. It’s got to be way above the national average…I think, as a group, we could even give MPs and celebrities a run for their money.
Well, after a monumentally stressful night courtesy of a girl and her dangerously tall stories (things that could have led to her, my and even the client’s arrest had I not diffused the situation), January was the month I decided to have a cull. Calls were made, marching orders were given, tantrums were ignored, photos were deleted and the nut jobs were set free to roam. Someone else’s problem. Anyone else’s problem. Just please God, not mine!
February
The month of the hot, randy blondes. Though we lose gorgeous Eve this month, Chloe, Amelia and Daniella all apply for jobs. Zoe also gets a portfolio refresh. I’ve done you a little collage so you can marvel at their loveliness. Chloe (far left) has now gone off to work abroad, but the other three are very much available for bookings.
Chloe, Amelia & Zoe
To top it off, we also now have Victoria and Charlotte to add to bevy of blonde beauties. What can I say? We like to spoil our clients rotten.
March
We have a spring in our step at Elite towers. Why? Because it’s warm and Cheltenham Gold Cup week is fast approaching. Lisa and I attend dressed up to the nines and we are complimented left, right and centre…we even get a spine chilling ‘very niiiiiice’ from John McCririck. I wish I could tell you that we hobnobbed with celebrities, placed some winning bets and then celebrated with a meal of unicorn steak and caviar. No. What actually happened is we got totally shit faced on free booze and spent most of the day falling over and flashing our knickers. It was mortifyingly bad. The photos plastered over Facebook were hideous. Why am I even blogging about this? I’m so ashamed.
April
Underneath an invisible cloud of Volcanic ash that grinds Europe to a halt, Francesca goes to see Graham Moore escort photographer extraordinaire for a portfolio refresh. The guy is to escort photography what Jimi Hendrix is to the guitar and Stephen Hawking is to theoretical physics. Yeah, he’s a ruddy genius.
Graham is also responsible for the unmistakable Taylor’s photos. And this reminds me…if you haven’t experienced a Taylor/Francesca duo then you are missing out on probably the best night of your life. This is not bullshit PR. This is fact. And if you’re feeling really flush, chuck the perpetually filthy Amelia and Zoe into the mix. But get a defibrillator on standby.
Francesca & Taylor: Ultimate Duo
May
A sad month is May – long time Elite girls Holly, Kelly and Helen move on; Kelly and Helen into indie work. Kelly is soon on the blower telling me how one of her first bookings was with a guy who wanted a food fight. So there she was, at the Holiday Inn, getting face flanned and covered in baked beans! But hey, if that’s how the guy wants to spend his money, who are we to judge? For the OCD sufferers (or Holiday Inn staff) among my readership, don’t worry, they covered the room in plastic sheeting first.
To add some balance, I must say that escorting isn’t always flan-flinging fun. Working with good security procedures in place reduces the risk of problems massively, but can never rule them out. This year I have encountered two very unpleasant incidents. The first one was hearing from an indie friend of mine that she was punched in the head by a regular during a booking. She fled his apartment, with him hot on her tail, nearly breaking her neck in the process.
The second was when our own Russian beauty, Hannah, was tossed out of a hotel room (after the act) and the money snatched from her bag. The situation was dealt with promptly by Lisa, but quite why Mr Ahmed Aboushady tried it on in the first place is beyond me. Let’s hope he learned his lesson.
Lastly, May is the month we kiss goodbye to the Labour government and our dear friends Jacqui Smith and Harriet Harman. What does a Tory-Lib Dem coalition mean for us? Well, we can only hope for sensible policies that offer us protection rather than criminalisation. The fact that currently, picking up the phone to the police in an emergency would more than likely see us arrested, is far from reassuring.
June
World Cup frenzy! Of course, I was supporting the mighty ENGERLAND and Lisa a little known amateur team called Brazil. As it turned out, neither got to the final and Spain ended up carrying the cup home.
Posh Totty Lucy
But what did we care? By that point we were welcoming flame haired posh totty Lucy to the team and setting the wheels in motion for a photoshoot with the ever lovely Derek Lee. Amber also joins us at Derek’s studio for a sexy makeover. Fantastic results for both, but Lucy’s Jodhpur’s proved particularly popular.
What is it with guys and ‘horsey gear’? I have the most unlikely clients asking her to take them along to bookings. Lucy did suggest bringing a couple of her shotguns along to the photoshoot too, and though I found the idea amusing and unique, I declined. Glad I did now -taking them along to bookings might stretch the terms of her licence somewhat.
Anyway, that’s probably enough for now – I can see you’ve nodded off. Don’t forget to tune in for the second and final exciting installment of Suzy’s Review of 2010. Due sometime over the Christmas break, assuming I’m sober enough to write it (no promises).
xx
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